Celebrity dance show Strictly goes head-to-head with the X-Factor as the BBC and ITV bring out their big guns in the battle for TV ratings. Ian Midgley looks at the likely outcome. In TV terms it's bigger than David vs Goliath, Obama vs Isis and Mary Berry vs baked Alaska put together.
On one side stands a perma-tanned megalomaniac able to crush people's dreams with one withering remark, on the other a perma-tanned collection of c-list celebrities hoping to make the leap to the B-list by prancing around to the rhumba in Lycra.
And this weekend they'll go head-to-head for two nights running as the X-Factor takes on Strictly Come Dancing in the latest bruising battle for viewers.
First blood went to the preening ballroom troupe earlier this month when the Strictly launch show garnered 600,000 more viewers than Simon Cowell's Victorian karaoke freak show.
It seemed that all the heartbreaking back stories in the world and return or Wor Cheryl Tweedy-Cole-Fernandez-Versini-Byker-Grove – couldn't defeat the horrifying sight of Judy Murray being manhandled around a dance floor by a sad-eyed Anton Du Beke.
But it was a short-lived, Pyrrhic, victory.
When all the catch-up views were factored into the final reckoning, the smile was definitely back on Cowell's blindingly white mouth-hole as the X Factor crept back into the lead.
Somewhere, 758-year-old former Strictly host Bruce Forsyth shed a secret smile.
The battle truly begins in earnest tonight though as the dancing, elimination rounds begin on BBC1's flagship autumn show while ITV's Cowell and co get down to the nitty gritty, first with the indecipherable six chairs round – which is effectively a game of musical chairs only with rubbish music – and then the judges' houses round.
The fact that the houses on show aren't really the judges houses – you can tell because there's no sign of a dungeon around at Louis' place – doesn't matter a jot.
It's the illusion of what instant success and fame can bring that counts.
Having had a good laugh at all the delusional weirdos who are as likely to become pop stars as Abu Qatada, the X Factor can now get down to the real business of finding someone able to carry a cover album of Westlife songs for Mother's Day before being unceremoniously dump by his/her/their record label next June.
Somewhere Steve Brookstein is sitting in a one-bedroom flat sticking pins into an implausibly high-trousered voodoo doll.
The two big terrestrial channels will start lobby their heavy artillery at each other at 9pm tonight.
Hostilities will continue apace tomorrow when Strictly seamlessly follows on from Pointless Celebrities at 7pm – Gregg Wallace surely qualifies for both? – with the X Factor joining the fray on the rival channel at 8pm, sparking enraged arguments in houses up and down the country between reality shows lovers and Whovians who'd rather watch The Doctor's latest incomprehensible adventure in its new late Saturday night slot.
So let the games begin.
By this time on Monday we'll know who's king of the gogglebox and who's off licking their wounds in the green room.
The stakes are high for everyone involved.
Could falling ratings show that Cowell's televisual Midas touch has deserted him? Or will a lack of interest in Pixie Lott's pert tango show that Strictly is starting to pass its sell-by date?
One thing's for sure, there will be some nervous TV executives poring over the latest viewing figures this weekend.
