With an overwhelming No vote in the East Riding referendum it looks like Hull boundaries are set to stay as they are, Ian Midgley investigates why
Phew. Well that's a relief. The world is safe from what could have been perhaps the most appalling, undignified sight in human history. To wit: me bearing my ar*e on the Guildhall steps.
I had promised to make the symbolic gesture had the East Riding referendum given us a shock result and voted to become part of a greater Hull.
Back on June 25, in a feat worthy of Mystic Meg, Derek Acorah and Doris Stokes combined, this is what I wrote:
"I bet it's 92 per cent to keep the status quo; if I'm more than five percentage points out I'll show my proverbial on the Guildhall steps."
Well, the referendum result is in and 96.5 per cent of those living on the pretty fringes of big bad Hull voted to stay well out of it.
That's well within my margin of error, meaning you're all safe.
You won't have to see my pert cheeks peeking out from Guildhall reception anytime soon.
I know there will be a huge throng – wait for it – of disappointed ladies out there but, believe me, this is a good thing.
I've got enough on my plate without adding a public indecency charge to the mix.
However, now knowing what phenomenal powers of premonition I have, you can take it from me that tonight's winning Lotto numbers are 5, 12, 15, 16, 37 and 44.
And if those do come up I really will display my posterior at a prominent local landmark.
Let's face it, the referendum result – or opinion poll as Steve Brady likes to call it – was never in doubt.
Those living in Anlaby, Kirk Ella, North Ferriby, Swanland and the rest don't want to be tarred with Hull's stinky brush.
They're posh, don't you know. They're old money – or new money – the aspirant strivers who see their lot in life as having worked hard to live somewhere nice and leafy with a four-mile drive to the supermarket and a choice of broadband suppliers.
The East Riding boundary is their buffer from the bad things in life, such as graffiti, drugs, urban decay and bad karaoke nights down Witham.
I can understand that. I bear them no malice. The East Riding is a lovely place to live.
Beverley is a superb little market town and its surrounding villages are chocolate-box examples of rural England at its finest.
Why would you want to tinker with anything and put that at risk?
I would also wholeheartedly oppose any plans to build on any green space between the city and it's satellite towns and villages; there's enough concrete in the world already.
My one caveat, my one niggling splinter of mistrust about why some of the 50,981 people prefer to stay out of Hull is this: They voted out of fear on an ill-informed and increasingly out-dated view of what Hull is.
Some people out in the sticks are, quite frankly, scared of Hull.
I know people who would never consider coming into Hull to shop, socialise or relax because they still (erroneously) see it as a desolate frontier town approaching something out of Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome – only with less Tina Turner.
It's almost like they expect to get mugged by chavs the moment they step out of the Qashqai.
The city's still tarred with the stigma of Crap Towns and negative image issues that will take decades to reverse.
Yes, Hull's had its dog days in recent decades. And yes, it still has myriad issues and problem areas, but so does everywhere.
People also need to be educated about the positives of Hull; about what a vibrant and exciting place it can be.
Just look at the raft of festivals that have taken place in Hull in recent months and the green energy economic boom that is hopefully heading our way.
Hull isn't the place it was – and that's a good thing. It's just that not everybody's noticed yet.
Of course, whether the electoral commission set up by the city council to look into boundary changes will take any notice of the costly vote is anyone's guess.
The wriggle room for Hull City Council is that its raison d'etre was never purely to look at boundaries at all – there are bigger, more economically strategic issues at play. For now, though, town and country look further apart than ever before.
Let's just hope their squabbling leaders can now stop lobbing brickbats at each other and get on with running the services we all need instead.
