There's a simple test you can do to check if you're properly British or not.
It's easy. You don't need a blood test, a psychological evaluation, a radicalised school, a sandal- wearing lefty to tell you everything you believe is politically incorrect or a swivel-eyed fascist to tell you you're not incorrect enough.
You won't even need a nerd in a lab coat to probe you under laboratory conditions. Unless, of course, that's what turns you on.
Just think back. Do you remember the last time someone barged into you in a shop?
Or maybe the last time you tripped up over someone's inconveniently abandoned bag?
If it was you who apologised the last time someone stood on your toe in the queue at the post office, bumped into you at the bar or inadvertently queue-jumped in front of you at the chippy, then you, dear friend, are British.
If you are so innately nice that you feel the need to do the decent thing and not make a fuss when affronted – enduring thoughtlessness that would earn you "a cap in yo' ass" in south central LA or a haughty sneer in gay Paris – then you, sir, are the embodiment of everything that is true and good about being from this sceptred isle.
Only then are you worthy or what Richard II (via Shakespeare) called "this royal throne of kings, this earth of majesty, this seat of Mars, this other Eden, this demi-paradise, and this precious stone set in the silver sea, this blessed plot, this earth, this realm, this England".
I know that quote is very England- centric, but I wouldn't have a problem with rebuilding Hadrian's Wall and Offa's Dyke come September and leaving the Celts to their own devices.
Basically, Britishness, for me, boils down to this. Be nice. And if you can't be nice, bog off.
If you can be tolerant and accept that other people hold different, but equally valid views from you and still be good people in their own right, then fine, you've passed my Britishness test.
If you can go through life and not try to force your own opinions on others because you think their way of life is inferior to yours, then fine, you've passed the test.
If you can rub along with others and contribute to your society without expecting everyone to believe your rhetoric, then fine, you've passed the test.
And if you can treat other people, be they man, woman, black, white green or purple with yellow spots as equals, then fine, you've passed the test. Actually, that last one sounds a bit like Mr Blobby. You're fine to hate him.
But such tolerance comes at a price.
With all the discussion of what defines British values in recent weeks, in the wake of the "Trojan horse" Islamic school furore, there have been myriad column inches and plenty of navel gazing over what makes Britishness and patriotism.
To be fair, it's only the chattering classes wracked with middle-class guilt who have a problem with this.
The majority of us who donned England shirts on Saturday night and wondered about the merits of Wayne Rooney usually don't have such a complicated or earnest world view.
But being "nice" and tolerant of others does need to be backed by steely resolve.
To ensure our great British society continues to be great we need to know that we cannot tolerate the intolerant.
There comes a time when, despite being all lovely, spiffing and accepting of those whose views differ from our own, we have a duty to say, "no, that's not right".
No, I won't let you discriminate against children in your classroom because they are girls.
No, I won't accept that you say everyone who doesn't subscribe to your religion is inferior.
No, I won't accept that you refuse to follow the rule of law that has made this country great because you still cling to a medieval system of justice you imported from abroad.
It's not racist to say or believe that.
It's about being fair to everyone, no matter what your creed or colour and insisting on equality in the face of those who will only have equality on their own terms, which is no equality at all.
If you don't like or accept that, then seriously, sling your hook.
I won't miss you and neither will anyone else.
• More opinion from the Hull Daily Mail
