Whatever you do tonight, don't look out of your window.
My advice: Draw your curtains, turn off all your lights and huddle in the corner of the room in terrified silence with your family under a blanket. Just in case.
Why? Because there's a otherworldly killer clown on the loose just waiting to tap on your window and eat your soul.
It's going to be just like Stephen King's IT, only without the dreadful movie starring Tim Curry.
Obviously, that's a worst case scenario, but I reckon it's almost certainly going to happen.
At least, it will if you believe what's being said on t'internet.
Yes, after planking, where pillocks lay down on top of cupboards, Harlem Shaking, where pillocks don't lay down on top of cupboards, and owling, where pillocks pretend to be owls whether there's a cupboard in the room or not, we now have clowning.
This is essentially where pillocks dress up as clowns in a desperate bid to draw attention to themselves and give meaning to their otherwise pointless existences.
It's sort of like I'm A Celebrity but with bigger shoes.
As far as I can tell there are no cupboards involved.
It started in Northampton, where a bored student thought it would be a good idea to freak people out by wandering the streets of the dour Midlands town dressed like IT's psychotic Pennywise.
Of course, there's nothing illegal about dressing up as a clown, but the reaction to this colourful goof has been a tad extreme. I suspect this is mainly because, let's face it, clowns are creepy.
In response to the sightings, one jovial Northampton resident, called Korey, posted on one of the websites dedicated to the clown: "I would probably mug you or seriously hurt you. No hard feelings bro, but I've always wanted to hurt a clown."
Wow, Korey, you sound like great fun. Let's hang out sometime.
The police, who obviously have nothing better to do than deal with people's irrational coulrophobia – that's a fear of clowns to you and me folks – have even been dragged into it. A non-plussed PC Plod, who probably also dresses up in a funny hat and big shiny boots, released a statement saying: "We can confirm that we have neither arrested nor dealt with any crimes involving anyone dressed as a clown.
"However, we received three calls over the weekend relating to people being seen dressed as clowns."
From little acorns, great unfounded social hysteria grows.
Clowning has now spread to Lincoln, Burnley, Chesterfield, Mansfield and Doncaster – and if you believe Twitter there's even been one sad wannabe Pierrot spotted on the streets of Hull – spreading his malicious brand of mirth to the East Riding.
Baton down the hatches, we're all going to massacred by a lipstick wearing nutjob driving a mini collapsible car.
The last sound you ever hear will be "Honk Honk" as he custard pies you into submission. Probably.
Since writing about this online last week, the Mail's website has been inundated with thousands of worried circus-phobes and a number of comments saying there's definitely a creepy clown creeping about in Hull.
It must be true because Dave's friend's cousin's mate's dog saw one looking suspicious or handing out balloons in the street or something.
Or, it could all just be hysterical bandwagon-jumping nonsense.
My money's on the latter; people working themselves up into a lather over something that isn't happening at all, thanks to the lazy, sofa-based escalation of social media.
It's always worth remembering that 73 per cent of everything you read online is untrue, including made-up statistics.
I should know, according to Wikipedia I was the second unit director on The Empire Strikes Back and co-wrote The Birdie Song.
And yes, I know I'm adding to the delirium by writing about it here. So I'm a hypocrite, get over it.
But really people, don't caught up in a frenzy based on a whisper of a shadow of a lie.
If you do look out of your window tonight, Joseph Grimaldi isn't going to be standing there in his oversized trousers waiting to strangle you with a rubber chicken.
Or if he is, I suppose the upside is it would be an hilarious way to go.
